The loss of power resulted in affecting 47,000 rail commuters, they could not get out of Manhattan. Commuters waited for hours to realize that the trains were not coming. Service was restored by Tuesday afternoon. The squirrel died due to electrocution.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Feature Lead 1: Squirrel
New York-Squirrel met it's fate after playing on a power line. The squirrel caused an electrical power surge after it climbed onto the Metro-North Commuter Railroad power lines on Monday afternoon. The power surge weakened a bracket which caused a wire from the overhead bracket to dangle down in front of a train passing underneath. This caused the train to tear down all of the lines.
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1 comment:
Your first sentence isn't a complete sentence; it reads like a headline.
Also, a dead squirrel isn't news...unless it shorts out a power line, shuts down a rail line and strands 47,000 NYC rail commuters. So some of that info needs to be in your lead.
Also, you need paragraphs! You've given this to me in one big wad of type. That doesn't work in news writing. News paragraphs should be 1-2 sentences long (maybe 3 if they're short).
It's redundant to say the squirrel died of electrocution. Just say it was electrocuted...or that it died.
7/10. Please revise and repost.
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